Chasing the 512 KBPS Dream

I started this some time ago to explain where I had been for half the summer, but "President Pork Pie struck with a long line of relentless bullshit that just HAD to be addressed!

I'm posting it now because I figure everybody can use a laugh!



I live in Saluda NC. Google it! See that tiny town in the mountains? I live there! Doesn't look like they have DSL there, does it? Well guess what? THEY DO!!! They have it in downtown Saluda, But TDS, the ONLY telephone system in Saluda doesn't offer DSL to the folks of the fringes, and being the anti-social individual that I am with my long hair, beard, and wide selection of firearms, I live on the fringes with all the rest of the herb-burning, 'shine-cooking, shoot-first-ask- questions-later individuals that give our little community it's character, and scare the shit out of the real estate developers who would love to turn the whole place into a gated community, but know what would would happen if they tried!

Yep! My neighbors consist of the casts of "Deliverance" and "Easy Riders"! We're a wild bunch up here, but our wives, and children love us and we'd really LOVE to get a few of the amenities of modern life like cable TV and DSL Internet. Alas we are denied! Forced to make do with Dish Network, and Dial-up Internet that plugs along at the snail-like pace of 44 KBPS IF (and that's a mighty big if) it decides to stay connected, which it seldom does.

Back in June when Gonzo was pronouncing the wildest of lies to Congress, I went to the Browning Family Computer to connect to the Internet, and post on this very blog to type grand prose concerning Gonzo and all things that make Leno, and Letterman cry out to God, giving thanks for the existence of The Bush Administration, only to be informed that I did not exist! and as such, my attempts to connect to the Internet were being thwarted by TDS in the name of physical matter, and Newtonian matter everywhere!

Instead of praising Sir Isaac, and giving thanks to the Universe for pointing out my wild assumptions of physical existence, I picked up the telephone, and called TDS. I was rewarded with elevator music, interspersed with condescending words of thanks for my patience, which lasted the better part of an hour. And assured the poor sad individual who finally did pick up the line a very warm ear. Alas! Such was not to be! The poor man who answered spoke only Spanish!!!


After I declared his mother to be a summer squash, and his father a casaba Mellon he came to the conclusion that I spoke know Spanish, he put me on hold for more elevator music, and more condescending words of gratitude!

I sat with the phone in my ear, a maniacal grin slowly spreading across my face, while Hazel and "Spaz" scampered about, hiding all the firearms, and sharp implements, and Calvin pumped up the air riffle, and loaded the darts with Thorazine, (Which doesn't work on me any more, but since a free buzz is always a good one, I don't tell anyone!) These proceedings proceeded, until an English speaking person actually answered.


In a calm and measuring manner, (yea RIGHT!) I informed the man that I had paid my Internet account for low these last seven years! I had every right to expect that it would connect me and function in the prescribed manner, allowing me access to the World Wide Web where I could happily cavort as was my due! Seemed like a good idea at the time, but again alas!! Such was not to be!!

It seems that TDS had somehow lost my file! And since they didn't know about me, and since they presume to know everything about every one, I had indeed been found not to exist! And they weren't about to give a non entity an Internet connection because God only knows what said entity would do if it ever got one!

That's when jazzy music, and dancing digits emanated from my television set, promising me a speedy DSL Internet connection through Dish Network from damn-near anywhere! With a 512 KBPS speed that would smoke dial-up's ass, and leave me the roach!

After a rude comment or two concerning TDS's place in the Universe, I hang up of them, and gleefully dialed the digits while Hazel and the boys hung the rubber matting on the wall, and donned protective clothing.





A silken toned salesman informed me for the paultry sum of $199.00 down, and $45.00 a month I could indeed have an honest-to-goodness satellite up-link! Allowing me to download in seconds, what had once taken days! Clawing out my debit card, I made the transaction! After a few buzzes and clicks on the other end, I was informed that my on the twenty-fourth, a number of workmen of questionable breeding would alight at my domicile to hang shit on my roof, drill holes in my house, and run cable from hell to breakfast! The fruit of their endeavors bringing Internet Nirvana, and 512 KBPS!!



"Hey! That's pretty quick!", said I "Today's only the twentieth!".



"No, I mean the Twenty-fourth of July!", said the salesman, "We're waiting on back-ordered equipment!"



Well, since a blazing fast something in less than a month, was a far better thing than the Slug-slow nothing I was getting now, I decided to wait! BIG MISTAKE!!!!

Bright and early on the morning of the twenty-third of July, I got a visit from one of my neighbors. It seemed that he'd found a big green box, and wondered if I might know something about it. After taking a LONG look in the mirror to assure myself that I was still there, we walked down to the spot.

I informed my good neighbor that the big green box he had just found was telephone equipment that connected North Saluda to the rest of the world. And since he had "found" it with a D-6 Caterpillar bulldozer, it's continued function in that capacity was highly unlikely! Dutifully he pulled out his cell phone and called TDS to report the mishap. He handed me the phone to give witness, since the phone company needed confirmation that their equipment had indeed been FUBARed, and it we weren't just imagining it.

I told them it was well and truly fucked, and what the hell did they expect after hiding it behind all the panas grass when they rebuilt it when the State Road crew had wiped it out with a track hoe two years earlier!

Long story short, we had no telephone service until 4:00 PM, when a TDS representative called on the telephone to ask me if the telephone was working. I asked him if the telephone wasn't working, then how the hell were we having this conversation? He said he didn't know (No shit people! He said he didn't know!)

He then asked me why there had been no Internet traffic from my connection for the last month. I told him about my being declared a non-entity by TDS, and as such I could not be trusted to go scampering around Cyberspace, as God only knows what a non-person like myself might do or un-do if I ever got the chance to do so!

"Well we have you connected, and your files are all right here!" he informed me, "I don't know what the problem might have been, but it seems to be fixed now!"

I made several choice comments as to the nature of the problem, since it required the flattening of telephone boxes with large pieces of road building equipment to repair it.

He told me he didn't know, (he didn't know much, this guy!), and TDS would certainly NOT be sending me a refund for the month of non-service!

I told him to tell TDS to take a flying fuck at the moon, and hung up on him! Before I got my hand off the receiver the phone rang again! This time it was Dish Network to tell me that they STILL hadn't gotten the equipment, and could not install what they did not have, and it was going to be another ten to eighteen days before they got to me!

Just for shits' and giggles, and after taking a long look in the mirror to once more assure myself of my existence, I went to the computer, and hit "start". No surprises! I hit "connect to". Once again, everything in order! I hit "TDS" and then "dial". Poof! I was connected!


So I'm back for at least the time being! Since existence is such a fleeting thing, and mine seems to be in some question, I don't know how long I'll be here... or if indeed, I am at all!